Every Time We Meet At The Dairy Queen Your Whole Fucking Face Explodes- Carlton Mellick III


“This would have been heaven to me if her face wasn’t in its current state. I feel like I’m being groped by a flesh-eating zombie.”


I’ve always wanted to read anything by Carlton Mellick the Third. My first experience with him was The Haunted Vagina. I became giddy with delight and terror as I found out that me and the main character share the same name. Spooky!! 

I was lucky enough to be with a man who encourages my needs for bizarro and was gifted this from him. 

If you are looking for the King of Bizarro then look no further. No one can intrigue you with a cover like he can and no one can make your entire face come apart just by thought. 

Ethan has met the love of his life at school. But him being shy has him lusting from afar. She is quite the unusual dish. They call her Spiderweb and Frankenstein because there might be something uniquely horrifying about her face. 

They side eye each other while on the bus and one day that changes with a slip of a note. Now they are boyfriend and girlfriend. 

On a date at Dairy Queen… her face kapows and face skin and blood is everywhere. Seems that every time she meets Ethan and she becomes overwhelmed with love and emotion her face explodes to kingdom come. 

Her dad being super crafty sews her face back together making her look like the Frankenstein Monster. 

Jill seeing that her boyfriend Ethan is in trouble with a bully, she takes matters into her own hands and now they are in hiding. True love knows no boundaries. 

If you don’t make your face explode after reading this then what the fuck are you doing? I had to gather all those pieces like Jackie O’ once had to do. 

Have you ever felt that no one will ever understand? This book has all the answers and more. 

This was completely obscene, strange and weird and I was in love. So in love that I now have stapled skin on my face. 

I now want to buy his entire catalog of books to add to my collection. And no one will ever be disappointed by the over-the-top adventures of the bizarre. 

4/5

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