Rigor Mortie: Death By Sex Puppet- Dick & December Bouvier

“If he’s floppin’ his dong cuz he ain’t no King Kong,

Ya gotta make it right and make ya kitty tight!”

Received from GoodRead First Reads for an honest review!!

As we all know, I’m one strange girl who laughs at the most awkward things and situations. So when I seen that title I was sold. 

Reading this book it was five stars all the way and little by little the ratings started to get lower and lower within a ten page radius of each star. 

If you can’t handle all the ridiculous satire… then you should turn back and runaway to your safe haven because things are about to ruin your day. 

Morton Beech is over four hundred pounds, hates his mum and pop with a furious passion and the love of his life is his ding dong named Mr.Pup-Pup. His good Ol’ pride and joy. Nothing can get better than that.

Constance Anne is a day time play thing, comes from a scandalous church upbringing, helps/lives at the cremeatory, a stacked thing who has a thing for puppets and will do anything if the price is right. 

And our next contestant on the Price Is Right is Mortie and Mr. Pup-Pup. Bring your fat ass down and hook upself up to play pork the hork! 

Thinking this is the greatest moment of his life, he brings her to his love shack and he whips out his pumpin’ equipment. Gets set up and her eyes go wide in terror… blackness sets up. Something goes horribly wrong and shes now trapped under this behemoth of a man and air is escaping her… slowly… slowly… slowly… will anyone save her?

As chapters come with a backstory to Constance, Mortie and everyone in between, you learn all about how they got to where they are now. With each story comes a side story to a side story to an even weirder side story.

As time went on, things got heavily repetitive and I felt that I was in a kids ride that went in small circles. Wheee! Awwww! Heights of delicious ridiculousness and Oh wait for it… Bam! disappointment. This book started off making me laugh so hard that I cried tears of what the fudge! By the last hundred pages, I’m not sure what happened because I skimmed it and then just plain gave up. 

My favorite scenes of this book was the Hitler puppet. In the closet, put on my arm band and helmet, play songs of the mother land and pull out the puppet. Oh Boy!! 

But I still have one last question….

Did Picky Hickey give Frickey Dickie a Quickie?

2/5 

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